So, I’ve finally begun writing this year’s edition of The Unvarnished Truth. For those of you who are newer readers or have memory issues, I refer you back to last year’s copy of this seasonal missive.

Tonight seemed like an appropriate night to labor over this task—as 10 years ago I spent Solstice laboring a 6 lb 8 oz bundle of dynamite! This year’s edition is coming along at about the same pace. I’ve not gotten too far, but thought I’d post my introduction. The rest of the piece will be your typical Christmas letter fare with a few twists and pictures, so I’m not sure how much of that I’ll be posting. Assuming it gets written. I’m sure there will be widespread self-plagiarizing as I lift whole sections off this blog. But, as it’s Solstice already… this cannot be avoided.

Anyhow… here is the beginning. Let’s just say, I’m working REALLY hard to spread the joy. Enjoy!

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Well, folks, it’s that time of year again. Time to stand in the line at the Post Office wondering if you will make it to the front desk before baby Jesus makes an appearance in the manger. Time to re-gift that hideous sweater Aunt Martha sent last year; you know the one, the one that smells like White Shoulders and cigarettes, yeah that one! Time to blow a tank of gas circling the parking lot of the local shopping mall looking for a parking space. Time for eggnog with just a touch too much Rum, time for fruitcake that is made of neither fruit nor cake. Time for endless Christmas songs on the radio warbled by Jr. Pop Stars who make a habit of being photographed without their knickers properly placed. And yes, folks, it’s that time of year when your mailbox is inexplicably flooded with perfectly happy Seasonal Greetings from people you barely like and hardly remember. That’s right, it’s time for your annual dose of low self-esteem brought to you by none-other than the Upbeat Christmas Form Letter.

Now, we here at The Unvarnished Truth think that the Holidays are a terrible time to be sending off missives of glee and good tidings. Especially when most of you are making your good stuff up. In fact, we think it’s in terribly poor form to suggest to your readership that your life is jim-dandy, spit-spot shiny, and altogether perfect. We’ve met you. We know that’s not true. We don’t know why you keep insisting on lying to people at Christmas. This seems like the antithesis of a Season that is supposed to celebrate hope and truth.

So, we here at The Unvarnished Truth (we just love saying that) have decided that we will not participate in this mass hysteria of the Upbeat Christmas Form Letter. We suspect your self-esteem is just fragile enough that you don’t need to have all the goodness and wonderfulness and perfection of our life rubbed in your face this time of year. Why depress you any further? It will only lead to pain and suffering and more sugar cookies consumed by you. That’s just plain ugly. And really, we don’t want to be responsible for that.

No, we here at The Unvarnished Truth have decided to give you a seasonal lift by suggesting you laugh. At us. What better way to feel good about yourself than by reveling in another person’s pain? And let’s face it, as you’re already on the edge you’re not that interested in what went right with our year! You’d much rather hear about our mishaps and misfires and missteps. As we aim to please, we’ve taken your pitiful condition into consideration and we proudly present: The Unvarnished Truth 2006: The Schadenfreude Edition.

Break out the fruitcake (and I do mean break, as we all know that stuff is like cement) and pour yourself a stiff drink (because you’re going to need it) and gather the family around to hear a tale of woe and misery. You feel better already, admit it! You might want to keep this little missive around in January when you get on the bathroom scales. Just sayin.