A Great Aunt

Sep 14, 2010 | This Life

Boy Wonder at 8 months with his Aunt

I was blessed to marry into a large family; Iz is the baby of eight. However with a big age gap between him and his siblings, his nieces and nephews were well on their way by the time I entered the family. We were the epitome of newlyweds, not paying attention to the fact that relationships don’t just happen because you got married. Little people need love and attention and it’s on YOU, the adult, to provide it. When IZ and I finally awoke from our self-involved newlywed phase we were living states away and the youngest was already ruling the elementary school play-ground.

My lack attention nagged at me from the edges my conscience.  I consoled myself with the fact that the nieces and nephews had other aunts and uncles. Plus, these kids did not want for cousins! That’s the upside of a large family, there is always someone to step in when need arises. But in my heart, I knew we were missing an opportunity and I knew we should have been doing something to nurture relationships with these tiny souls. IZ and I had always intended on being a good aunt and uncle, we had spent hours of our engagement talking about hosting “Camp Runamucka” where all the cousins could come hang with us. You know what they say about good intentions! Life got in the way, and frankly, we didn’t fight the distance.  I think we were just too self-involved to notice that our darling nieces and nephews were growing up and growing past us.

The point was driven home when IZ and I finally got around to having a “cousin” of our own! Boy Wonder arrived and my sisters-in-law stepped up. Despite the fact we’d neglected Cheryl’s children, and Mary didn’t even have kids of her own. They showered my child with gifts and attention, later with letters and postcards, and ultimately with relationships that have lasted. I’ve sat back and watched their interactions and have marveled at the love and acceptance, the refusal to judge or instruct. They’ve simply loved my child. As he is, for who he is. They’ve noticed the good and looked past the growth edges. And they’ve reinforced my belief that every child needs a cadre of loving adults in their lives.

I’ve been reflecting on this loss of “auntdom” all summer for reasons best unblogged, but I’ve come to the conclusion that it is never too late. Sometimes, you need to be creative, be open to the possibilities. And I believe the Universe meets you in that creativity.

It’s been an utter joy to have Sara and Faith become part of our lives. In many ways, I’m living out all my “Aunt Wende” fantasies, crafting and hanging out and creating a safe place to just be. But I’m also keenly aware that for them, I represent yet another loving adult in their lives. Someone they can trust and talk to, someone they know will be there. Someone who isn’t trying to parent them or judge them, but someone who provides shelter and love. And while I am not their aunt, I can step up and be present. I can step up and do the hard work! They’re other people’s children, other people’s nieces—and yet, the Universe has chosen to put them in my life at just the right time. I’m thankful that I didn’t miss this opportunity—that IZ and I have grown-up enough to realize it’s not all about us.

We’ll call that progress. While my nieces and nephews are all adults now, it’s not too late to get to know them either. I’m still working on how to do that and attempting to be creative in the process. I have faith that the Universe will meet me in this endeavor, too.

It is with deep regret that I will never be an aunt to someone small. It pains me that I’ve missed the opportunity to really know these kids when they were little. However, I remain hopeful. Our youngest niece is getting married next year and with her comes the potential of becoming a Great Aunt.  And that is an opportunity I intend to live into fully.