What Not To Wear: The Yard Edition

Apr 25, 2006 | Taming Eden

Ok, so I am attempting to track our progress with the taming our overrun yard. Of course, I could just post pictures, but that would be boring. Besides, dear reader, you have grown so accustomed to my snarky commentary you might be lost without it. And if there is anything we here (ok, ME) at Evidently strive to do it is to meet expectations and keep our readers happy–all twelve of you! (aside: I really need to recruit a 13th reader–I’m starting to feel like the Messiah with my faithful 12. Seriously, tell a friend. Tell your grandma. Leave your boats, your desks, your upscale government jobs! I will make you fishers of. . . Oh, nevermind) So! Here you go. Pictures and words: In an attempt to shape up our yard and add some curb appeal: ok, really to just be able to hold our heads up in the neighborhood–we sought out some well timed advice on dealing with our pitiful yard self.
Here is what our experts at WNTW:TYE suggested.

You have to be Cruel to Be Kind: And Sweeties, YOU ARE A MESS!

• No, No, No! What have we told you about leaving the house without sunscreen? You need to moisturize! Dry soil is a dead
  give away that you don’t care about your appearance. To this end, we recommend a healthy dose of water each day, and invest in a good sunscreen. Your beds aren’t getting any younger, you know!

• Um…dead roses? A Yard DON’T, unless you want people to think you are older than you look. We know the house behind you was built in 1920–but do YOU need to look like you were planted in 1920? We didn’t think so! Out with those gnarly old roses… think, hip, youthful, spring-like.

• Frazzled ends? Heaven forbid! The fashionable yard knows that a good pruning now and again encourages healthy growth in the long run. So don’t hide from those prunning shears. Besides, it wouldn’t hurt you to weed a bit either.

• No, No, No! Rust is so last year! For this Spring, think soft
  whites and dewy creams. Paired with verdant greens, this is
  a “can’t go wrong” look. Really, lose the rust stains… N. O. W.

• What did we tell you about dressing your age? Seriously, nothing says, “An Octogenarian lives here” like brick edging. Hint: We hear you can sell those for .50 a pop at a yard sale. So, save your pennies and invest in something more… You!

• Foundational pieces are the keys to good yard dressing! We think red lava rocks are the Grannie panties of the gardening world… While we don’t think you have the “bones” to sport a visible thong, might we suggest something that will support your figure? Like lovely mulchy bark? Not only will it keep your figure in shape and support all that new plant life–it will retain moisture. Remember, moisture is good.

So, our fearless gardeners attacked their yard over the weekend–takinginto consideration all the good grooming tips… here are the results:

It’s a DO! (kinda)

• Wonderful! We see you took us seriously about the mulch and more youthful plantings. We wholly approve of your choice of flowering crabapple–and that you scored such a bargain at Costco! See–fashion doesn’t have to be expensive. However… we think those overgrown Barberry (who plants thorny hedges in their entryway?) and Honeysuckle monsters plants need a trimming–or, if you are really brave, a chainsaw. We see a hockey mask in your future. Just sayin!

• Ah, yes… edgy, but not too edgy. We think you’re ready to greet guests! The choices of Lupine, Euphorbia, and Blue Fescue are inspired. Well done. And while we notice your sidewalk could use a bit of sweeping, you’ve done a lovely job prepping that hideously stained wall for a good coat of paint. It’s almost clean enough to eat off of, but you’ll understand that when we don’t, right? We know you don’t have a courageous seed in your soil–so we won’t even hint that you might want to consider a color for that wall. But until you grow a spine, think white and do it soon.

(more…)