Real Friends

Nov 24, 2003 | You Can't Make This Stuff Up

Real Friends

Vs. Pretend friends. You should really have a set of both. Real Friends to go to coffee with, cry with, and all around mock the world with. Pretend friends for when your real friends aren’t around or on speaking terms with you because you bored them to tears with your psycho-drama, or you all-around mocked them.

Wash What?

Nov 23, 2003 | You Can't Make This Stuff Up

What the French already know

I came downstairs to find IZ doubled over on the couch laughing at a commercial advertising THIS.

Leave it to Americans to reinvent the bidet and then make cheesy commercials to sell them. Hysterically funny. Make sure you check out the movies and “experience” the washlet. Personally… I’m asking Santa for one of these. Make it pink.

Location

Nov 18, 2003 | You Can't Make This Stuff Up

Location is Everything

Pluses:

• Nice prices
  

• Friendly people (not afraid of us freaks)
  

• Right next to the Duck Pond for those stately night walks
  

• No smoking for those lesser beings who want to live forever
  

Minuses:

• Smaller than 11th St with a small outside patio out back for us smoking types (20 people at most)
  

• Near a Methodist Church (scary indeed)

From the Vault

Nov 17, 2003 | You Can't Make This Stuff Up

From the Vault

Ok… sometimes it’s fun to reprint stuff. Well, I think it is. This is from August 2001. Have fun.

Note to Self:

Well, it’s been a long month of August and I can’t say that I have done too much over the course of the month. In fact, I have been so busy working on my future case of skin cancer that there has been little time left for more academic pursuits like the writing of this column. And besides, this little piece of nonsense isn’t going to get me into Grad School, so why not work on the tan?  Anyhow, now that September is creeping up at the rate of fungus growing on small children�s feet, I had better get cracking. Which brings me to my topic.

Although I have accomplished little this month, it wasn’t for want of reminders. I spent the month saying Note to self: work on your web sit, or Note to self: register small child for school, and  Note to self: buy those really cool boots you saw on Sale at Nordstrom before they are off sale again. (And for the record� I DID work on the web site a bit, the kid is registered for school because his responsible parent took the morning off work to do it  and the boots are no longer on sale!) Anyhow, for this little file I thought you might be interested in some of the Notes to Self that scrawled across the tiny expanse of my brain this month of August. (While I worked on the tan of course!)

Note to Self:

1. Don’t let anyone who has suffered a recent death in the family cut your hair.
2. Don’t walk barefoot into the bedroom of a 4-year-old who owns 2000 legos.
3. Coffee can be a nutritional, supplemental drink if you LIKE the strung out on caffeine look.
4. Mom is a four-lettered word!
5. One cannot browse in Toys-R-Us! (Unless one is alone or one forgets to bring one’s wallet!)
6. According to 4-year-olds, we can make new money! Daddy just needs to buy some gold foil.
7. Have IZ buy some gold foil.
8. Spandex and PMS — bad combination.
9. MSN SUCKS.
10. If it looks great on the model in the catalogue then it will look like you were trying too hard to look like the model in the catalogue.
11. If it looks so-so on the model in the catalogue, it will still look like you were trying too hard on you.
12. If it looks awful on the model in the catalogue you will buy it anyway and it will still look awful on you.
13. Conclusion: you are not the model in the catalogue.
14. The model in the catalogue is on the Coffee as a Nutritional Supplement diet.
15. Small children can be reasoned with– unless they are your small children
16. Remember to hide the chocolate in a heat resistant location.
17. Toe rings are cool. (finally, I scored one with the 4-year-old fashion police)
18. Although the 4-year-old thinks blue nail polish is a fashion statement he wants to make; the 4-year-old’s father is not so impressed.
19. We have to eat real food before we eat junk food. And that includes the coffee as a nutritional supplement.
20. Find out why girls need earrings�.
21. If MSN built it–it will crash.
22. The family pet is really just another small child in a tiny fur coat. Look into adoption.
23. Start saving for the 4-year-old’s therapy bill.
24. Small boys are supposed to smell that way.
25. Stop calling the 4-year-old small and little. Evidently, he will be 5 soon.
26. Five is the legal age to start bad mouthing your mother and doing what you want!
27. Find out how to be Five again.
28. Order the Buzz Lightyear Costume before they sell out or he wants to be Captain Hook.
29. Teach the 4-year-old how to make coffee and do laundry.
30. While you are at it, teach him some table manners.
31. Yes, God loves us just as we are but you still have to clean your room.
32. Throw that piece of junk you call a computer out the window. Aim for the cat.
33. When the next telemarketer calls put the 4-year-old on the phone.
34. Why didn�t I think of that earlier?
35. Will it work with bill collectors too???
36. Buy some more coffee.

Well, that about wraps up the month of August. And despite my best efforts, I am still not tan. Oh, which reminds me. Note to self: buy some sunless tanning creme!

Wende.

No Brainer

Nov 17, 2003 | You Can't Make This Stuff Up

No Brainer

Everybody reads Kottke. And most people claim that straight-up on their links list. If I had one… I’d probably do the same. No real shame in admitting that you read what 98% of the web-reading population reads (unless it’s PORN and your mother reads your site?) However, I don’t have a link list… and am not going to write one into this pathetic template nor am I going to post a list so that people can assume that “You are what you read”. It’s none of your damn business what I’m reading. If I’m going be ordinary and common like everyone else, I’m not going to point that out!!! No brainer? Right? Ok… that being said… GO HERE. He would be on my list… if I had one. via Kottke

Again With the Toothpicks

Nov 16, 2003 | You Can't Make This Stuff Up

Toothpicks

I’m way too tired at the moment to blog… it’s been a crazy weekend. The perfect precursor to my upcoming week of insanity. The one bad thing about actually having a life… you don’t have much time to write about it. I much prefer the slacker days of summer. All of this to say it’s crunch time in the semester. Knowing me, that will mean lots of inane little posts coming your way as I procrastinate on papers. But right now… I just need to sleep.