Ok, so yesterday we picked the boy up from a week of Camp Lutherwood.
See, those of you who have read this blog for awhile or know me personally, can already sense import of that sentence. Uh huh… not good.
We arrived just as the closing ceremonies were underway–and as I watched my child sing along in the group, I got the real impression the week had not gone well. Mr. Energy was dragging–and not in a good way. MOST people, after an intense week will be tired, but not my kid. Oh no, the more intense the encounter the more hyped he gets. He’s that big sucking sound in the room. If you are in a group and feel exhausted afterwards, it’s probably because my kid (or one of his kind) was there draining your energy like a brand new vampire. Dang extroverts.Instead of being over-joyed to see us, Boy Wonder just looked defeated. And caught. See, he knows that we are always going to ask for an account of the week. Or any event he attends. Ever hyper-vigilant are we. So, he knew he would have to come clean as to his behavior in the week. Uh huh… not good!
His counselor, who has to be all of 20,– don’t get me wrong I’ve got nothing against this age set except what to heck do they know about parenting–had that all too familiar glazed over look in his eyes as I asked him how the week went. “Hard,” he answered wearily.
Hard? WHAT? You meet me, the parent, after being entrusted with his safety for a week and your answer is HARD? Ha! TRY PARENTING! Oh no you don’t! You don’t meet me after a week of camp and look all weary and exhausted and, dare I say it, marytered. Humph! I don’t think so. You signed up for this gig and you are being paid!
See, here’s my thing–if my kid’s behaviour was so eggregious, then why is the first time I’m hearing about it when I pick him up? It’s not like you don’t have my email address since his father sent him email everyday the boy was at camp. And I know you have my phone number because I wrote it down numerous times on various forms. No, if my child’s behaviour is going to paint THAT face for you and cause you to be THAT traumatized, then pick up the phone and TELL ME.
After pressing and conversation it appears that my child was LOUD. Uh huh… not good. Now, I know what you are thining, dear readers, because I’m thinking it too! Camp. Camp is loud. Kid’s are loud. Match made in heaven. Evidently, not.
Now, before I go further in my tirade against imcompetentcy–and it is imcompetent to need help and not ask for it!–I will be completely honest. Boy Wonder is exceedingly bright–but his social skills leave much to be desired. We know this. We are ever hypervigilent because of it. And, it goes without saying that he does better in an environment when there is a clearly identified authority.Or, so we thought. Apparently, you MUST say this–because it is NOT assumed by powers that refuse to be at camp! The more kick-ass tough you are the better my kid behaves. He likes order and he likes control. We, his ever hyper-vigilant parents, forgot to inform his counselor of this. Uh oh, not good!
And his counselor? I’m guessing he was the most compliant child ever known to the universe. He is the picture of calm and quiet and easy-going. For the average child, he is the embodiment of comfort. He’s who you want to be shepherding your sweet sheep through the wiles of camp. If your child is a sweet sheep.
It’s just that my kid is a goat. And this is the rub. He needs a person in control, bossier than he is, and willing to make his life miserable (call his freakin’ parents, already) if need be. Someone, like… say, his MOTHER! While he would never admit that camp unnerved him, his behaviour said otherwise. In his anxiety, he regressed and acted out in ways we deem wholly irresponsible. Uh huh… NOT GOOD. However, he knows this. At dinner last night he summed it up like this, “You know mom, you have every right to be disappointed with my behaviour, I’m disappointed with me. I could have done so much better. I’m so used to having someone in charge. I forgot myself and I didn’t keep myself in check.” Oh, that his counselor could have been so observant!
The resulting effect is that Boy Wonder loved camp when it didn’t involve being solely with his cabin. He did tons of art, signed up and performed in the variety show, and tried all sorts of new things. His swimming counselor said he did beautifully in her sessions–her take on the whole thing (when IZ told her) was that boy energy is just that, boy energy. Other counselors we know from day camp said Boy Wonder did wonderfully at dinner and all-camp events–they were shocked that he had such a hard time with his cabin.
However, I can tell you why he had a hard time. This is where I go back to lamenting incompetency. Because while his counselor was busy being buddy to everyone else in his group–which is what those children needed–he wasn’t busy being what Boy Wonder needed. Instead, when the boy acted out he scolded and whined, but he never disciplined. And he NEVER looked at the circumstances that provoked the outlandish behaviour in the first place. Should my child have freaked out when a person took his picture? NO! But, when you’re nine and you are hugging a girl and someone snaps your photo and then laughs at you… well, you might freak out. It’s not OK that you did, but it didn’t happen without cause.
And as for the boy being too loud? It’s camp, get over it. It turns out that the boy kept getting louder because other kids were ignoring him. Sure, pick on Boy Wonder and tell him to stop yelling. It’s annoying and it’s not going to get kids to pay attention. But what about the first aggressors? When you’re nine, you might yell too, if when you start to talk you are ignored and people walk away from you as if you don’t count. It’s hard to be left out and treated like you aren’t important! It’s awful to be told that while everyone else gets to catch a crawdad, you have to sit by and just watch because you aren’t part of the group! Where was the counselor then?
So, this is my question to his camp–Your theme this week was “This is Love“– does the above sound like a description of the love of Christ to you? You challenged my child to share the love he learned about in camp this week. Is that really what you want? You asked him to share what he did and what he experienced and what he learned. You asked that he come back and he bring a friend. I’m guessing you wouldn’t want him to tell the whole truth–that he was excluded and left in the care of a completely indifferent counselor. I’m guessing his friends wouldn’t want to go–because, they are all goats too! You asked me, his parent, to NOT keep Camp Lutherwood a secret. Since I’m the compliant one in my family, I’m only too happy to indulge that request. I can sum it all up in four words… say them with me: Uh oh, NOT GOOD.
As the parent of a son that was very much like BoyWonder at the same age I’m really feeling you on this. Not much I can say about what happened and what they SHOULD have done, you’ve covered it. But I will share this; my son, now 17, finally found his social skills when he hit high school. It gets easier. AND he is more fun now as well. I’m kinda dreading that he wants to go so far away to college.
Oh! Thank You, Grins! You have NO idea how much that helps. There are moments when I wonder. It’s nice to know they do eventually “get” it… because I don’t want to be following him around the rest of his life asking him if “that’s an appropriate response.” heh… thank you!
It sounds like a tough week for everyone involved. Our older girl is very quiet, very gifted and has had great difficulty finding a place where she fit in. It’s been a constant struggle. I will echo comment number one though; she has found her way, and accepted herself better in the last few years. She has made true friends, and can even poke fun at some of her idiosyncrasies. But there have been many tears along the way, and numerous hard discussions about life, and other people. She is now holding down a job in Seattle, and that’s great, even though many of the people she works with she considers “idiots.” She doesn’t particularly like living in the real world; she would rather have it all be the way she wants it to be. Don’t we all!!
Oh, I’m sure his counselor was way out of his league–which is why a phone call would have been exceedingly helpful for him. A short conversation with us would have helped–because it has in past situations. Once people realize that commanding order from Boy Wonder is the road to truth and enlightenment (heh) they tend to get on board. Instead, this poor counselor suffered w/o asking for help. And in the process, our kid just struggled along. It makes me sad for both of them. And, it’s good to hear from people further down the road with children who walk to their own drummer–does a heart good.
Ouuu, I have the same problem with Boyo. He’s very bright but often doesn’t seem to use his head for common sense behavioural issues. I’m worried about him going on his first school camp for three nights in November. Not so much his behaviour, but that the ‘adults’ (yes, 20 year olds) wont be the authoritative person he needs to keep him ‘thinking’ about his actions and behaviour.
It’s wonderful to hear that it does get better though, huh?!
I could have written that entry…my daughter is also a goat and charges through life soaking up as much of it as she can…she has big trouble with that whole self-reining thing and struggles with the reactions of adults around her, who instead of trying to figure out why she does the things she does, isolate her and diminish her before others. I struggle with feeling sorry and angry with her and others who treat her poorly in the name of behavior management. It is a daily struggle but I’m hoping it pays off before she gets fried by life.
Boy Wonder is lucky to have parents who get him.
what is up with my thinking that i’ve commented in all sorts of places where i haven’t? sorry about that.
anyhow, i’m sorry that little bubba didn’t have a smooth camping experience. granted, this is a lot of why i didn’t ever go to camp. i don’t think that the camp itself was necessarily to blame, but it definately could have gone better. maybe y’all might try it again next year and work even more with the leaders. i am temped to say that it is good for him to go to camp and be socialized but then again that reveals that i’ve been watching too much of the dog wisperer recently, and it’s really not good to compare your child to that.
god, i can get off topic.
Thanks to everyone who wrote in with a kind word.
Camp responsibility… let me look it up. Oh, here it is… “… from the Latin, Campus Responsibilitus: putting slightly older children in charge of younger children with little or no supervision of said counselors… is a really, really dumb idea.â€
While it would be easy to lay the blame at the feet of the child, one must ask, where were the adults?
Now, “socialization” really gets me. Them’s fighting words Kat. 😉 Say that to any parent who chooses to home-school and you’re likely to find yourself in the middle of a whirlwind.
So, in good sport and to ensure all sides are covered, I looked up Socialization as well… “to organize children into the most homogenious group possible… to make to conform to the will of whomever is popular or in charge… think as bland as milk toast”
In my opinion, socialization is way over rated…
Karan… ACK, right there with you. It’s hard to have a spirited child that the world doesn’t get. It’s a fine line to walk, and this post proves, I’m not always the unbiased individual on the subject.
Pie–RIGHT THERE WITH YOU. And yet, we let them go, eh? How brave are we?
Kat: Yeah, probably not such a good thing to compare my kid to a dog. But, as you are without children to slander, I will just say this: YOUR CAT IS OVERWEIGHT. Ok, I feel better now. BUT–I reserve the right to be a COMPLETE know-it-all when you get around to procreating! 🙂
IZ: Let’s face it, that word “socialization” is a swear word with homeschoolers. What Kat doesn’t understand is that it is the chief weapon used against those of us who make alternative schooling choices for our children.
And for the record, Boy Wonder is fairly well socialized–I sure as heck can’t keep up with his social calendar! But, we do bristle when people think that putting our child in more chaotic groups will magically teach him how to handle it. Sometimes, when you throw a child into a pool with the “sink or swim” approach–the kid DIES. It’s not a matter of being “socialized” as much as it is a matter of being “properly supervised” while socializing! 🙂
Stalin, Hitler… they had cadres of co-horts and were heavily socialized. Didn’t do them any good. What they needed was the Nanny to come in, tell them they’ve been very naughty and put them in a corner long before it was too late.
Another great example… look at what “socialization” accomplished for Columbine.
I completely agree that “properly supervised” APPROPRIATE socializing is key and that children also need to see adults doing the same in positive ways.
As I’ve said before, I think “mushy love” is substituted for “loving discipline” and it messes things up. Oh sure, there are those compliant kids who will fall apart to tears when looked at the wrong way… but let’s face it… there are plenty of kids out there who aren’t that way. I’ve found that children do MUCH better when there are rules and known consequences and feel much safer in those environments… and to be candid… so do most adults.
IZ: STEP AWAY FROM THE HISTORY CHANNEL. I mean it, no more History Channel for you. DOG WITH A BONE. Sheesh… GET YOUR OWN BLOG ALREADY. 🙂
Okay. This is a biggie, so let’s break it down.
1. “Socialization” as it is used by those publicly-funded folks and their minions who ignorantly throw it about is CRAP. Do you know when I chose to homeschool Maddie that I NEVER heard ONE concern from friends, family, and all these “experts” who were convinced I was going to retard my child about her ACADEMICS. All they could wring their hands about was socializationsocializationsocialization. And in the process, we have a daughter who is sweet and kind but savvy enough to tell a bully that they’re being a real butthole. So, given the fact that I can’t even keep up with her social calendar, I ignore this whole argument because it’s a red herring.
2. Camp counselors are a step up from fast food workers. While I’m sure they have to pass a background check, they are not trained child psychologists. They’re guys and gals who probably spend a significant amount of attention checking out the other counselors. Not only do I think it didn’t occur to BW’s counselor to call you, I’d be dubious if he even noticed a tenth of what was going on. And, I don’t think he’d be unusual. These are kids themselves, really. I don’t want to come off as insensitive that, in a perfect world they SHOULD be more observant, but it’s a rare one that has that kind of insight at that age. So, I would look at this aspect of it as a learning experience as a parent. I have been there. I have made mistakes with Maddie that I kick myself for just because I assumed that my vision of reality was accurate and it wasn’t.
3. Sometimes, you have to give your kids wings and hope for the best. And sometimes that doesn’t work out. You either try again or not, based on what you’ve learned. If a camp situation isn’t dovetailing with BW now, it might in five years, or it might not. I have never gone to camp. I doubt my kids will go. So it’s not the be-all-and-end-all of growing up, although many kids do go. But you’re not a mind-reader and you gave it a shot. No guilt.
4. Having learned from you, you can bet Princess will NEVER be going to camp…maybe not even a sleepover! Thanks for being so honest and sharing this. Even if you hate my opinions!
5. Hang in there, this is NOTHING compared to when he and his friends really DO find those Miller Lites. We should at least hope for a decent microbrew…
iz, by socialization i was just thinking “plays well with others.” this does not discount, however “runs with scissors.” i have a high respect for running with scissors.
and, in my defence, i went to public school all the way along and still missed out on several key points of “playing well with others.” exposure therapy doesn’t always work.
i will never use the word “socialization” in your presence ever again. didn’t know it was such a sore spot. oh, and what the hell does my cat have to do with this? i don’t understand.
Dang, what a bummer. He’ll be talking about it on a couch sometime in the future. I still have nightmares.
I was a total camp misfit. Socialization is way overrated!
Carrie–I don’t have to agree with you to love you. But, in this case, I DO! 🙂
Toraji–Heh… he doesn’t seem nearly as worked up over it as his parents. But this is the same kid who walked around Walt Disney World with a 101 temp determined to have a good time. 🙂