Lately, words have escaped me. Some of you have been waiting patiently in the silence; for your understanding I am grateful.
It’s been suggested that I’ve been being “mysterious”… much to your chagrin, apparently. Truth is, that’s hardly the case. It’s true, I’m not talking about the new product launch just yet. But the abundance of photo posts as of late has more to do with the reality of my days. I get to the end and find I just can’t summon words. I’m tired. Emotionally, in ways I’m still trying to find words to express.
I spent most of this Spring working on getting Day Camp together. Last week, we met for our wrap up meeting and it’s been decided that I’m the natural candidate to be the coordinator again next year. In a momentary lapse of judgment, I said “yes.” In part, because we’re moving to a new model next year and having some continuity is going to be necessary. But also because my experience with leading these sorts of events is very much, “you learn the first year, you LEAD the second.” I’ve already told them that 2010 is someone else’s job. I’m moving on to other endeavors.
It’s a difficult decision, really. Because while I know I should shepherd our Day Camp program through the next step, I can see my future path—and it’s calling me. It’s got a blow horn and my number and I’m losing sleep over it already. I keep saying, “I can give you time this year, I can give you MORE time next year. . . ” and my instinct is to drop my entire life and give my whole self to it NOW.
I hate this compartmentalization of our lives. It’s ridiculous. We are whole people, with wounded souls that seek resolution in a wounded world. Yet, salvation comes in pieces. Clarity comes in parts. Wholeness is a choice to see the complexity for what it is. We don’t get that perfect peace in every moment. Instead, we string parts and pieces together and we hope for the best in the meantime.
In my meantime, I’m beginning to question my very existence. It’s always about ego, isn’t it?
I will confess, I feel helpless a bit. This new horizon involves feeding children with the Summer Food Program. I’m giving them what time I have this summer–which is a pathetic day or two a week. My heart wants to be doing this work full-time; my reality isn’t going to permit it. My own sense of safety and sanity are deeply at risk—and this is where I fall down, and where I struggle beyond what you’d imagine. I’m not sure I can do what my heart requires. It’s a step in faith, to believe that I can be OK absorbing all this grief. Creator God, “Help thou, my unbelief”.
Two years ago, I spent a little time with this program and fell in love. There is, in my mind at least, nothing more central to the gospel than feeding people. When you sit down at lunch, munch on a PB&J with a bunch of kids—just kicking it in the summer, this reaches souls in ways you cannot imagine. For some of these children caring adults are more scarce than the next meal. And two years ago, I was assigned to a location where the kids came mostly for the social interaction. I spent a week talking trash about Izzie from Grey’s Anatomy and speculating if Meredith and McDreamy have what it takes for the long haul. I took home that lovely feeling of being with amazingly needy children and several names I now offer up to the Universe regularly.
This year is a different story. My location is so violent and so turbulent and so impoverished, I come home and weep. Migraines ensue. These kids show up for lunch because they’re hungry. For some of them, this is the only meal they’re going to see in the day. I cannot convey the depths of hunger here. I wish I could–I wish I could capture this poverty for you, in such a way that it could change their world. In my first week, I’ve broken up a fight and fielded a phone call from a colleague about how to report suspected neglect. They are scrapers and fighters and survivors. They have to be. Every last one of them breaks my heart and makes me question if loving my own is enough. Maybe, maybe we should be loving more than our own.
There are not words. I don’t have them. I’m crying through this stupid post; I wish that you could know the horror of seeing a child collect half-eaten lunches to save for the weekend. Not her lunch, mind you, she ate that; but the lunches of other children because it’s a LONG time until Monday. Or the horror of having to tell small boys who are late for lunch, that they can’t eat: we have a deadline, we have legal obligations that mean we can’t leave perishable food. Dear GOD!, these babies are hungry and I can’t feed them. I don’t know if the divine is hearing my prayer. It’s this simple truth— that has me questioning my choices and my ability to keep moving forward with this—a lunch is not enough.
I’ve been asked to consider being the volunteer coordinator next year. (Just as a total aside, HOW IN GOD’S NAME IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THERE AREN’T PEOPLE WILLING TO DO THIS WORK????) Due to my commitment to Day Camp, I’m not in a position to take it on fully. But I’ve committed to helping the current coordinator (possibly job sharing) next year. I suspect she would run the kitchen aspect and I would be put in charge of drumming up volunteers. Let me tell you, I intend to do so with a vengeance. I get that not everybody is as passionate as I am about feeding kids. I will also admit, that I cannot fathom why that is! But I do appreciate we all have our worthwhile causes. But people, please trust me when I say–that when it comes to causes, you will NEVER be the same after spending just two hours with this program. You won’t see food the same. You won’t look at your possessions, your own life, your own sense of direction the same. And the gospel, the gospel becomes crystal clear. It’s not so mysterious.
Your blog ate my comment and I’m certain I said something so profound that it would have made your entire world make logical sense once again.
Or not.
I said those kids are so lucky to have your positive influence. And then I used the word “excoriate” in a sentence. I know. Impressive. 😉
Give what you can give. It will replenish your soul.
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Thanks, Cap. And I would like to read this sentence using the word “excoriate”. 😉 ~W
You are giving 200%, and I admire you very much for that. I can understand why you would be so emotionally and physically exhausted that words escape you. And of course, as your friend, I hope that you’re taking good care of yourself.
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I’m trying to be better at the self care thing. I’m walking again, attempting to eat better, and I even got a hair cut today. I’m certainly not there yet, but I’m trying to get it all in perspective. 😀 ~W
I am so thankful there are hearts like yours in the world. So please, please, please take care of you and your heart, okay?
Passion is contagious, and I’m sure yours will inspire MANY new volunteers 😀
I’ll be praying for you!! (I’m so glad I read this at home, I hate crying at work 😀 )
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Thank you, Marie! And we got 3 new volunteers after a pitch I made on Sunday! Woohoo. I also chatted with my stylist about the program today–she said I should bring some info to the Spa owner, that she felt they could probably find some time to help out! 😀 Baby steps, eh? 😀 ~W
Well NO WONDER you’re tired at the end of the day! And you seem like the perfect person to recruit volunteers for this program. Based on your post, I’m ready to move 3000 miles west and help you out.
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Thanks, Mary!! I am exhausted… but I’m getting there. It’s getting easier and I’m finding new ways to be hopeful. And while I’m not the official volunteer coordinator this year, I’m getting the word out. 😀 ~W
Oh, I hear you. In a nation with so much childhood obesity, it is easy for us to forget the childhood hunger that exists in cities and in small towns alike. One of the most shocking days of my life was when a middle-class kid came to me at recess in my first year teaching with a horrible headache. I sent him to the office and the secretary (bless her) called me and told me he hadn’t eaten and was hungry. No one had bothered to make sure he had breakfast. This happened regularly to a lot of the kids — I know, I know, kids can be obnoxious and refuse to eat or whatever but my kids are going to have a protein bar shoved in their backpacks if that’s the case. I started keeping a case of granola bars from Costco on hand at all times. Our parent organization started a “Breakfast Club” where we pass out food to the kids each morning — we pass out food to 75 kids a day at our school of around 400. Some are probably there just cuz it’s free food but most of them are hungry. And, you wouldn’t believe what passes for a bag lunch for some kids.
And, these are mostly families who could be doing better but aren’t. We aren’t talking about the kind of poverty you are dealing with. So, I can imagine and I can also imagine the toll it takes on you.
By the way, my husband was so impressed with your Elbow recommendation — we both really enjoy their music, thank you — that he wanted me to ask you about Oxygen 8 — if you know anything about them. 🙂 I do not and can’t find anything about them and wonder if he’s making it up. 🙂
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I would imagine that as a public school teacher, you see more of this than the average person. I suspect that for most of us, our daily lives shelter us from these realities. It’s hard to see, even harder to know where to start to make a difference. Your breakfast club sounds amazing!! ROCK ON! 😀
As for Oxygen 8… I think Greg is pulling one over, BIG TIME. There is a synthesizer by that name, but that is as close as it comes, I think. Tell him I want YOUTUBE proof. Nothing really exists if it’s not on youtube, right? 😀 ~~W
I understand. That’s all I got.
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And that is enough. Thank you. ~W
Where do I sign up? God has asked us to feed the hungry. I am blessed and am feeling guilty for having so much. Is this organization in my So. Cal. area?
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This program is State funded, so I don’t know about California. However, I’d start by contacting your local schools to see. It’s possible that they feed kids in the summer and need help. I appreciate your willingness to step out, Kimberly. Blessings to you–keep me posted, m’kay? 😀 ~W
We revamped a local song ‘Elbow’ style last Sunday… it was my week to sing and I kept thinking, “Wende would be so happy here today!”
As for the post… the heart… the questions. I wish I had answers, myself. Why in a chiurch of 10,000 can we not find enough volunteers to watch children during services or feed shut-ins in the winter? Why is this always so hard? Thank you for stepping up (with your 2010 boundary) and serving for another year. SO many will benefit… and I think you’ve encouraged us all to take another look around and find a place we’re needed.
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Oh! I would have loved to hear your Elbow-esque worship music. 😀 That is something I dearly miss–is good music at church. S i g h.
And I appreciate the support and feedback. I have to admit, I look at your church and it’s EXACTLY the kind of place I’d love to be hired as a volunteer coordinator. HEAR ME ROAR. heh. I’d have so much fun. But, I’m working where I’m planted… small scale and that’s ok too. 😀 ~W
Sometimes it helps to “go to the mountain”–to step back and and look at things from a non-emotional vantage. You can’t do it all, but understand that you ARE making a tremendous difference.
Your heart needs a rest. And maybe some strawberry shortcake.
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My heart needs CHOCOLATE! 😀 I hear you about distance… but that’s not coming until the fall. Until then, I’m hanging on, trying to keep it in perspective. Some days are better than others, if you know what I mean. Thanks for the wisdom! ~W
I know of this hunger. My own experience is that I spent about three years being very drained by the experience of working with these kids. Prayer helped. At one point, I made a conscious decision to leave it all at work. It doesn’t always work out that way, but it helps. The alternative for me was burnout. It also helps to have some supportive people around who know what it’s like–that really eases the stress.
Me, I’ve gotten a bit cynical–another thing to watch out for.
You’ve got a really big heart. Those kids are lucky to have you. Most people really can’t take it, which is why there’s not more volunteers. It’s a hard thing to see everyday. You know, you see stuff like that, and it can be difficult to enjoy dinner at home. Unless you learn to compartmentalize, that it. It helps.
Many, many hugs.
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Thank you, Michelle. I know you get this, far better than even I do. I’m trying to compartmentalize…but I have to tell you, THAT’S HARD! In part, because all my training says otherwise. If you sit with me in direction—I’d be encouraging you to see your life holistically. Whatever that’s worth. Right? So, to do the opposite is completely counter-intuitive for me. And so, it’s this very fine line: how do we build up protection in such a way that our own souls are safe, without becoming cold or jaded or so detached we lack compassion. Tough stuff. And it’s probably why burn-out is so prevalent. ~W
i wonder if you could find people to commit to help for just ONE day, and that maybe their hearts would be so touched by the experience that they would come back to help the next day and the next.
it’s an incredible thing that you’re doing, and i wish i could help out in some way. :/
good luck with everything. take a breather once in awhile. seems like you’re really going to need it. i’ll be thinking of you and those poor babies.
on a less touching note, what’s up with that retro Clue up there?? is it yours, or you selling? I WANT.
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Thank you, Laura. I did make that exact pitch to my church on Sunday and 3 new people signed up! 😀
The Clue is ours. I just bought it at an vintage fair. I’ve been trouncing the boy, but he’ll catch on soon, I’m sure. ~W
Clue rocks. hardcore like.
and yay for 3 signer-uppers!! or..something. hee 🙂
now then, tonight is WEDNESDAY service…maybe you can drum up (or guilt up) some others. whichever way works just fine 😛
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Indeed, we are big fans of the clue. 😀 ~W
wow. as a former welfare baby ( who was fed)…. i say thank you. I am off to my foodbank this week.
xxoo.
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Bethany, thank you for going to your food bank! I reside in a country where 30% of our residents will make use of a food bank at least once this year. The numbers are growing in this economy. Every can counts, and I’m so glad to know you’re responding! Blessings!! ~W