Tonight marks our 19th wedding anniversary. It has become my custom on this blog to write on the subject each year — it’s always a glimpse into my understanding of this thing we call marriage as well as a love letter to the man the universe brought into my life. However, tonight, I am having difficulty finding words. Â They are there, bubbling just below the surface, waiting but not ready to be written. It might be, in part, because we aren’t actually celebrating until the weekend—so this milestone doesn’t seem quite real yet. I will write, I promise. After nineteen years I have some words to say. Just not tonight.Â
But, I didn’t want to let the evening go without some acknowledgment. Despite our plans for the weekend, IZ still proffered a beloved bottle of champagne this evening.  And as we sat on the porch drinking in the view and marveling over this amazing journey we call marriage, I remembered a post I wrote several years ago on the subject.  It’s not the same as writing something new—but I think, if you read it, you’ll understand why I consider these words the truest I’ve ever written. They were true then. They are true tonight, perhaps even more so.Â
The Space Between (June 16, 2006)
I’m the last to give advice on marriage. Because, like the people who inhabit them, marriages are diverse and unique and complicated unto themselves. What works for me, isn’t likely to work for you. And, despite being married for 16 years today, and despite the fact most of my friends are working on second (and third) marriages, it still doesn’t mean I know anything about the subject of making it work. Don’t ask me what our secret is. I don’t know.
However, what I do know is that no matter the individuals involved, marriage (or long-term committed partnering) creates another entity entirely of its own. And it doesn’t automatically happen with the “I Dos.†Consider all the ceremonial stuff fertilization because becoming “WE†can’t evolve overnight. Every “I†and every “You†must practice at “WEâ€â€“again and again and again. Practice.
Sometimes practice means rumbling at each other like gods in the heavens throwing insult laden thunder clouds. “Well, YOUR mother is a meddling know-it all–try cutting your apron strings!†Or, “Yeah? Well, YOU can’t wash a dish to save your soul! You call this clean?†All this clattering in the skies of marriage eventually leads to fighting fair–but it takes practice. Because, real marriage isn’t always getting along and having unlimited sex–the movies lie. But you can practice.
Sometimes practice means choosing the other when you’ve been conditioned to choose yourself.
Practice involves holidays and customs being navigated with care. It involves being patient and forgiving and hopeful of the future. Always hopeful of the future. And if you cease to be hopeful, practice involves asking for help to find that hope again.
Sometime practice will produce progeny. This makes the “WE†an “USâ€. And you can get lost in being “USâ€, so much so that you forget you were also working on becoming “WE.†Little people, especially when they are little, are sirens belting out lullabies. If only we could sleep. Sleep deprivation induces visions of leviathans until we become the sea creatures we imagine–twisting and turning, roaring in our exhaustion. It’s not choosing sleep over sex that puts us out of practice–no, that choice is an act of survival. It is the all-consuming nature of care that induces an form of marital dementia. We forget.
However, in time, if we are lucky, if we are blessed, if we are intentional, if we remember, IF. . . we return to our practice, to our discipline of being “WEâ€â€“and in it we discover that time has worked its magic. That there is a “WE†being formed, so distinct from our individual selves it seems a pity it does not have a name of its own. It is like no other “WE†we know. We may look around and see others of its kind, but never just the same. Like the “I†and the “You†who form it–this “WE†is unique.
This “WE†happened in the space between the storming, between the lovemaking, between choosing and the sleep. It happened between the coffees on the deck, the walks along the beach, the countless hours between the sheets. It happened as we practiced. And what that practice produced was a space where you and I could meet and gradually become “WE.â€
I suspect, that those who stick it out for as long as they can find that space between to be sacred space. This sacred space has formed me in ways that nothing else could. Becoming “WE†has made me a different person, a person I would not have become outside of the practice. And while I still remain myself on so many fronts, it is a better self. I am blessed beyond measure to have lived this long with you and to have had the opportunity to experience all that We have together. I love you beyond measure–there are not words. And because there are no words this is simply inadequate to express my immense wonder and awe for having been here, in this place, this time, this HOLY space with you.
Thank you for being who YOU are. And being willing to practice with ME. WE are so blessed.
The only secret I have, is no secret at all. I love you. Happy Anniversary.
I’ve been waiting all day for this post just so I could comment.
19 years. Doesn’t feel like it. Not quite 20 -not a milestone by the traditional measurements. Still, I feel like this monumental love has indeed reached an important marker. What better way to commemorate than by a new yard… and a glass of bubbly. 😀
There’s no one I can imagine that I would rather build a life with. (Or indeed a yard for that matter.) When it is all said and done, and some day it will be, I will look back and smile with a tear of joy in my eye because it has all been worth it to be able to say that I’ve lived life with you.
I love you. Happy Anniversary.
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Me either. You’re amazing! Happy Anniversary, sweetie! ~W
Interesting how I found your blog though Jack Bog’s Blog and the Oregonian because he recommended your photos!
I think your writing equals the scenery! Congratulations and many more to come. It changes once again when the birdies fly away. At 27 that is where we are. 😀 Hee, Hee, nice to run around in the nightie again.
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Oh, thank you, Robin. I think we’ll be at that same mark when ours finally flies the coop. We were just talking about that today–oh the freedom. Not that I won’t miss him, sniff! ~W
Oh Happy Anniversary Wende and IZ! I hope you have a wonderful weekend celebration. We hit 10 years this fall (and are actually going away, sans children!).
Also, is it wrong of me that while I was reading this, I kept thinking: “Damn I love that tablecloth!” 😉
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It’s not wrong! That tablecloth has seen better days. In fact, it was pretty trashed when I bought it, but I fell in love with the print. And I figured since it wasn’t pristine I could use it on the porch without any guilt. 😀
Have fun on the trip away. You need that, especially when the kiddos are little! ~W
‘this makes ‘we’ an ‘us”… love that thought
Congratulations, you two! Cheers!!
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Thanks, Katie!! ~W
Happy Anniversary! I hope you have 19 more. And then 19 after that.
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Me too!! Thanks so much, Cap! ~W
Cheers to Nineteen! Congratulations and raise the glasses…to a couple who makes it look effortless, but never forgets to remind us that it is not…it is practice, effort, and love and a whole lot of other things your are engaged in to make things work. I remember also thinking that love is choice…that you choose again and again every day to love the person that you’re with. You are both and inspiration in my eyes…and I am surely lifting my glass to you (even though we all KNOW how I feel about champagne…)
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Thank you, Sadira. I so appreciate your words. And we’ll make sure you have Asti Spumanti in your glass! 😀 ~W
(Oh yikes…that sounded a bit snarky up there…what I meant was…a couple who is not too proud to admit that their life isn’t all roses all the time…and that they also work hard at relationship…that’s better…)
(oh, and congratulations again)
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You make me giggle. From someone else it might be snarky–but you don’t have a mean bone in that little body of yours! I knew what you meant and that you meant well. But what I appreciate about you, Sadira, is that you follow up! And that’s just proof of how cool you really are. 😀 ~W
I like how open you are about how hard and yet wonderful it is. It’s complicated and yet as simple as a glass of champagne and some giggles. Happy 19th!!
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Thanks, Margaret! ~W
Happy Anniversary, baby bride and Iz! May you enjoy many many more years of fun and love and growing and home improvement activities. 🙂
This post is just magical. I love it, and I love you guys! Happy Anniversary!!!
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It’s good to hear from you, Marie! Hope all is well. . . and thank you! ~W
It’s not too late for me to say Happy Anniversary, is it? Hope you guys had a great celebration!
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Thanks, Mary. ~W
Congratulations! Happy, happy anniversary and many more!