Words fail me.

And at times this week, so has my camera. Perhaps more accurately, my lack of mastery of the medium has reminded me just how far I have to go as a photographer.  I am out of my depth; quite literally out of my depth of field. Everywhere I turn is another landscape, another painting begging for some composure on my part. I am, for my part, rather weepy.  Stunned by beauty. Captured by place: sound and smell and sight. Breathing in. Breathing in deeply.

I fear I cannot summon enough words to express my gratitude. I never expected to even be here. Much less to be living on this estate during our stay in Santa Barbara. We have been given such a gift—and the generosity of spirit found in this place  leaves me stunned. It’s a beauty of its own. Glimmering and ethereal, much like the Lockwood de Forest landscapes of Val Verde.

There was a moment last night, after an amazing meal and window shopping on State, we headed to our car to go home. For one small, nearly intangible moment, everything stood still. Streetlights blurred, cars in suspended animation, I looked around at my boys and breathed in the warm night air.  I forgot that I didn’t belong to this place. For one small, nearly intangible moment, we were home.  Speeding onto the 101 south, I remembered. It’s this moment I’m carrying into my future.  A vast thing, I cannot imagine or capture on film.

When overwhelmed by landscapes that escape me, I turn to what I can do. Up close and personal. Focus on the details. Focus on the moment at hand. Panning out is scary. Breathtaking and expansive and frightening. In my case, often blurry. Click, click, click, another macro shot to root my feet in this present. Firmly grasping the now. I don’t know any other way to live this amazing life of mine, but to string these moments together. And hope, that in doing so, you can see my landscapes, that I can see this landscape more clearly.

I’ve been given unfettered access to this beauty. An honor I fear my photographs will ultimately fail. But for the grace that has swirled in front of me, for the gift of simply being here, I cannot help but say, “Thank you.” Thank you, Gerardo, for sharing your lovely birds and sweet family. Thank you, Olga, for your attention to detail and making us feel so at home. And most especially; thank you, Gail, for opening the doors of this magnificent estate to us and allowing us to call it home this week.

This place, this place is a beauty I expected. But like love, or babies, or that perfect moment you can’t be prepared for your reaction to such overwhelming beauty. You can’t. You can only breathe in the moment and be thankful that it’s happening to you.

And maybe pull out your camera and try to capture it. Just don’t be surprised to find yourself out of your depth.

*The title is a Coldplay song off their new album: Viva La Vida. It’s been on constant play during this trip and now is officially the soundtrack to this excursion. You can listen to it here.