So, miss me?
I sometimes wonder. Not about you missing me, but about my increased absences. But then endings are often beginnings. And I should really stop watching sappy movies about endless, great, epic love because I start talking crazy talk about quitting blogging. And you and I both know that’s not happening any time soon, despite my walkabouts in the real world.
I really should write something.
I’ve been home a week now. Ok, a week and two days. But I’m far from recovered. There is so much to tell you, I hardly know where to start. I’ve learned a lot about myself in the past two weeks. Most of that I processed with my Spiritual Director. But I will share this with you: I am quickly growing weary of flying. Weary of traveling. And I have an abiding hatred for the TSA. You want my lip gloss? I paid $10 for it at a drug store… It’s call Nude Plum. It’s NOT a bomb, dude. GET A GRIP.
Ahem. Look at the pretty flowers. Where was I? Oh yeah, homebody girl. This is not new really. I’ve struggled with agoraphobia most of my life. I hide it well. My parents thought it was just an obsessive need to decorate my bedroom to look like a 20 something’s apartment. I lobbied for my own bathroom and an exterior door. They ignored me. Still, I never wanted to leave.
But lately, it’s not being fearful of the wide wide (and dare I say, RUDE) world. No, I don’t panic in the white, white of sunshine because I live in a place where there is NO sunshine. It’s not the fear of the new or the undiscovered. It’s not fear at all. It’s fatigue. People, I’m tired.
I don’t know why, really. But I’m finding reasons to stay in, reasons to hurry home, reasons to hole up in my own world. And that, that is frightening. Because it doesn’t have to start with fear to end there. I know this only too well.
I’ve been rationalizing. I’ve been telling myself that I’m just on word over-load. My family, heaven bless them, is a chatty and opinionated clan. They are also the definition of INTENSE. I’m the calm one. Yeah. And let’s face it, weddings are stressful events even if they aren’t contentious. So, I know I’m overwhelmed with the amount of talking and listening that I’ve been pressed to do.
And if you’ll forgive me an aside: you know, I struggle with this aspect of blogging. Words on paper are my preference. In fact, IZ and I spend a great deal of time talking in IM. That may seem odd, but words coming at me from all directions leads to sensory overload. And I’m introverted enough that it makes me exhausted. So blogging, obviously, works for me. However, it leads to a perception that I find difficult to bridge. My family, whose memory of me is dimmed by years of living at a distance, read my blog and see the chatty child they remember. They have no clue that I’ve grown into an adult who values silence. New people assume I’m full of words because my blog is full of words. And DANG people, if I don’t feel the need to step into that perception in person. When I don’t, (and yes, there are times when I sit back and watch) the inevitable contrasts are drawn between who you meet and this person writing. I suppose it isn’t news that I’m uncomfortable with both the contrast and my inability to sync those selves.
But all these words… all these words are in my head. And if they make it out into a blog post, they’re still not me relating. They’re me writing. And they’re you reading. It’s the space between I can’t control.
So, I’m tired. Very tired of being who I am not, not really. Or, maybe better, I’m worn out being a louder version of who I am. A wordier, chattier, more present person that I really am. And that has me withdrawing into my inner world. A world where the words never make it to paper, but are jumbled and turned and pointless soup. Until even I can’t stand the sound of them and I finally fall silent. Really silent.
Scary words, for me. I can tell you I value silence. And I do. But there is a huge difference between silencing all those external frequencies and this silence I’ve been marinating in. The similarities to my old agoraphobic self are not lost on me. So I am taking a step outside my inner stew and writing. It’s just one step out of this silent house. And the sunlight is blinding. I hear, though, that your eyes do adjust. Eventually.
And if you’ve read this far… a reward. New Music. No video yet, but the song is cool.
OK, so first… such lovely photos. And that blue glass just really sets those peonies off.
As for the TSA… hmmm Terminally Stupid Agency. I mean good grief… let’s establish different and even contrary rules airport by airport just to make sure that already confused passengers don’t stand a chance.
Between argumentative TSA agents and angry fliers… flying through air with the greatest of ease is but a dream… something we’ll tell our grandchildren. “You know, when I was a little boy, people could come all the way to the gate to greet you as you got off your plane…”
OY!
As for the New Music… LOL… another ode to getting out of town? How does that compare with NOT wanting to fly? Just sayin… 😉
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I intend to drive. In my Escalade. What’s your point? ~W
Hybrid or no… who can afford the gas?
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Killjoy. ~W
Yeah, I’m the devastator of hopes and dreams… 😉 I hear hitch-hiking is coming back in vogue…
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Ha, ha, ha. Grumble… ~W
I did miss you, but I saw you surface occasionally on Twitter so I knew you were alive and well.
Stop watching sappy movies.
That’s all I have to say.
Amen.
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Hee… will do. 😀 ~W
I struggle with the mild agoraphobia thing too. My mom is totally agoraphobic – she has very defined areas of comfort (luckily that include flying to see my family or my brothers’) and I try to fight against my tendency to stay home because I live in fear of coming to her.
This post was fascinating to me. I find myself composing great epic blog posts in my head all of the time but then being to tired?bored?lazy? to put them to post. Therefore my blog remains largely frivolous. And I worry that those who know me only through the blog think that I’m a bit frivolous.
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I’m on the reverse side of this. I fear, that with all my words and dark moods people will think I’m depressed or a real killjoy. Truth is, I’m happy—but processing LOADS of info. And I know YOU can hear me when I write, and when I read these things out loud to IZ, he tends to laugh because he can hear my tone. I’m not sure it comes across to everyone. Seriously… I sometimes worry people only want to go just so far with me. So, I hear you. I do, I do.
And darling girl, who writes so well… when you do write that epic post, I’ll be there to absorb every last word. ~W
Oh, man… if this ever resonated with anyone, it’s me. Especially the part about how family/friends read and think “chatty” personable girl and then wonder where you went in person. I know.
We are different parts of ourselves on paper and in person. But whole. We just need space 🙂
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Give me land, lots of land, under starry skies above. Don’t fence me in?? Heh. It’s amazing, isn’t it? IZ and I were just talking about this… how easy it is to assume that a quiet person doesn’t have an inner dialog and that a well written person is completely verbal. Most people assume, even after meeting me, that I am this out-going chatting talky person. But it’s just because I fear the rejection that comes from NOT being the person. And while I love meeting people and listening, the process is exhausting. OVERWHELMING on the days when my energy is already at ebb. And why is it, even as we grow up… we find ourselves slipping into our former roles? I will consider my self truly grown up when I stop being my 12 year old self around my parents. 😀
And darling, I owe you email. But please know I’m praying for your sweetie girl Rylie. I know deep within my soul it’s all going to be PERFECTLY ok. I promise. ~W
I hate the airport. I was in a constant state of irrational nervousness that I was carrying something that would get me in big enough trouble to get thrown in a foreign prison… ugh, I hate it.
And I feel you on the blog person vs. real person thing… I’d love to be as chatty and bubbly as a post comes out, but that’s just not going to happen for me…ever. Anyways, take your time coming out… no rush 😀
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I watch you watching us… and I think to myself, “If we’d just all shut up for one second… what would she say??” Dear one, I promise we will not all overwhelm you in time. I promise, we will let you get a word in edgewise.
And I’m so with you on the irrational fear stuff. OH. MY. GOODNESS. I freaked out at every turn during the trip. And darned if on the last leg the airlines didn’t send my luggage to Phoenix instead of Portland!! If I had only known then, what was in store for me when I got home, I think I would have had the presence of mind to laugh about sleeping in my clothes. I hope. 😀 ~W
I love to IM, I love to text…when my mother and I started IM-ing at night (we don’t do it anymore…for some reason) I was excited about how witty and silly we both are. I mean, we are certainly like that in person, but seeing it in printed words is so much more fun.
I think one of the most interesting things about blogging is the fact that you can really put yourself out there and be perceived as something you may not necessarily be all the time (I mean, you should see the stacks of stuff I sometimes have to move to take shots to post) Thank you for sharing this post…I would have never known you were more introverted than extroverted…and I hope that you find a way to bridge the things that you want to and then integrate them into your life in the perfect way (although, I’m sure you will…life is just so like that isn’t it?)
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I’m a flaming introvert. Ha ha ha. People don’t believe that, but I always say, “Don’t confuse good social skills for extroversion.” Thank you for your words. 😀 ~W
I came by earlier but it was only to gaze at the peonies and then wallow in fond memories of my Michigan garden- how is it that peonies in Michigan and Washington State come into their own at precisely the same time?
“I’m worn out being a louder version of who I am.” I would like to buy those words. How much? They are precisely the ones I need. So apt. THOSE are nude plum words, not a bomb, but still, a little dangerous. Slick, Luscious.
Family will wipe you out, family gatherings more so. If it persists, it has another name. Because, after all, you’re young baby. Very young.
Hi, Wende…
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I’m older than I let on. Ha! 😀 And no, not depression this time. I’m coming out of it. This transition back into my life was exacerbated by a dog who also had an issue transitioning from the kennel. It’s meant I’ve been existing on very little sleep. I’m not the kind of person who should be sleep deprived. I get dark. And difficult. So, no worries. But it’s nice to know there’s a mental health professional out there paying attention. 😀
And thank you for the close reading and the feedback. You know how to stroke a writer’s ego. 😀 ~W
And that, that is frightening. Because it doesn’t have to start with fear to end there. I know this only too well.
I, too, have learned that lesson. I don’t think you will go back to your old, agoraphobic self simply because you have a family that you connect with on so many levels. The levels and intensity can fluctuate but you will adapt – and they will adapt – because you value them more than you value that intense and withdrawn silence.
Recharge at your leisure. We’ll wait 🙂
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Thank you, Cap. I’m always going to struggle with this living in the outside world stuff. I get overwhelmed by it all too easily. I think it’s just a safety measure—I get tired and I step back to recharge, instead of letting my battery completely drain down. If that makes any sense?? I’m just not so great with letting the people in my life in on how that works. I’ve lost a lot of friends who couldn’t understand why I could be so present for their every crisis one week, but need to step back the next. It’s boundary keeping—I tend to not keep my own boundaries until it’s a bit too late. Then I panic and withdraw. It’s not healthy. BUT it also means that the people around you respect those boundaries when you set them—and as you saw a year or so ago, not everybody does respect the no. ~W
PS – that song is fabulous! I’m going to download it. I need tunes with an up tempo to work out with. Feel free to recommend more 😀
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I adore the HIVES. I do, I do. 😀 ~W
I can understand being tired. Hope you find some peace in your silence. For my part I know I used and abused your goodness in listening so well, please forgive me. I did enjoy our time together, it was so intense even I have had a hard time adjusting. The bed looks so very good!
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It’s ok to be a verbal processor. And I get that. I have a really hard time saying “no” to being present—even if I know it’s going to put me in bed for a week later. However, I’ve kinda had to do that. And the results haven’t been the best on the friend side of things. My blog readers are most excellent people—but in real life, I’ve not found people who are willing to give me space to rest. Instead, it’s a constant demand on my time. And honestly, I think my blogging adds to that expectation. Because there is in this perception that all these words I’m writing is me being “out-there”—when in fact, this is my internal dialog on paper. BIG DIFFERENCE. I will figure it out, eventually. 😀 ~W
Hey,you. We are all different in person than on our blogs. I am much MORE talkative in real life than on the internet; I wish I could be exactly myself, but words are concrete, while I’m more random. I want you to get out, but you have to feel comfortable with what you’re doing. Home is nice too as long as it isn’t a a prison. I still enjoy flying in spite of the TSA. In fact, they provide much humor to me and I do enjoy the irony.
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The TSA makes me so angry and frustrated. EVERY airport is different. Traveling just exhausts me. And dealing with hordes of people–OY. And thank you. It’s funny, because we are all different in real life than on our blogs. And yet, if you asked me—I’d tell you that what I’m writing is closer to “me” than what you get in real life. I’m far more guarded in real life. Far more willing to tell you what you want to hear. And not nearly as irreverent. 😀 ~W
I am so glad to read your words. Like Miz S, I wasn’t too worried as we’ve been twittering — which is so much a better word for chatting, isn’t it?
Words and people and all that. Yea, it’s hard. Hang in there. Take the time you need and don’t waste your energy feeling guilty about it.
I think most of us are more clever and witty and open in words than in person. I’m very guarded and prickly in person. I love to retreat into my house too — my husband is the same. A fun night for us is a bowl of popcorn, a glass of wine, and a good movie from Netflix. Oh, visiting with friends — yea, that can work too. Sometimes. Maybe. But, I can’t do that in my jammies so blech.
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Thank you, Liza Lee. I’m coming out of it. 😀 ~W
“…I’m worn out being a louder version of who I am. A wordier, chattier, more present person that I really am.”
Wow. That describes my situation quite a bit. Fortunately, during the summer, I am free to be my more natural introverted self. No one would ever guess that about me!
I understand about getting too comfortable in your surroundings. Agor is a sneaky fiend, and for me, it definitely disguises itself as comfort. You’re smart to recognize it.
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My experience with it has been that it’s sneaky. It’s not like I wake up one morning and can’t leave the house. It’s gradual. And I pay attention to it, like any other phobia or illness, because what’s the point in letting that run your life?? ~W
…i think you said it perfectly. i’m having a down stage in my life right now, and these words mirror my thoughts exactly. <3
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Oh, Laura. Hang in there. email me if you need/want to!! 😀 ~W