Boy Wonder: So, my friend. . . he likes to pretend he’s living in a television show.
Me: Really? What kind of show?
Boy Wonder: Well, it usually changes every time I play with him, but he likes to start out by saying, “Previously on. . .”
I can’t tell you how I laughed over that. It’s brilliant, really. I can so identify with this kid—blogging my life often feels like I’m writing for a reality TV show. Or maybe a medical drama or slap-stick comedy, depending on the week. Sometimes this blog even looks a bit like a public access version of Martha Stewart Living, bad lighting and poorly scripted craft projects included.
Of course, occasionally television writers go on strike. And in case you hadn’t noticed, it’s been a week of a self-induced writer’s strike on this blog. It’s not that I can’t write. Or even that I won’t. It’s that I’m finding myself hording words. Saving them really. For what, I’m not exactly sure. IZ keeps whispering a nasty four-letter word in my ear. I keep batting him away with little flicks of the wrist, because I’ve never had any aspirations for publication (book became a dirty word in grad school).
Actually, that’s not exactly true. There was once a time in my life where I had every aspiration to publish—but that was because the word publish was directly linked to the word perish and as such, a necessity of life. I don’t doubt that my ego would have been immensely gratified, but it’s not like I’ve ever had a burning desire to see my name in print. While we might associate publication with glamour—uh, yeah, Oprah’s book club isn’t in the habit of pushing narrative theological tomes. Ever.
So, no. I don’t have dreams my blog will “make it big.” I could care less. And no, I harbor no delusions that anything I write here is publishable beyond the click-publish move I make to post this to my blog. It’s just that lately, what I have been writing doesn’t seem to fit here. Write what you know and know your audience. This blog isn’t the place for what’s been eating away my fingernails and haunting my sleep.
The thing is, though, I have no ambition for publication. It’s a ridiculous amount of work and I’m inherently lazy. I mean, for starters, I’d have to stop abusing commas and parenthetical statements—clean up my act and my copy to submit to an audience that might want to read my work. I don’t see that happening. Which leaves this blog abandoned while I write for no reason other than to horde.
For the record, hording is BAD. In fact, the God of the Hebrew Scriptures forbids it in Exodus 20. We know it as the 10th commandment. Thou shall not covet, something, something, something. . . Our understanding of that word, covet, is a bit off. We’re too literal as are most of the translations of the Hebrew. However, some scholars are more liberal in their interpretation and believe that this is a direct commandment to not horde. It’s called latifundialization; we’re implored to not scoop up everything in sight in order to keep it for ourselves.
Now, this twenty-dollar-don’t-use-while-playing-scrabble word doesn’t really apply to my lack of posting. It is addressing the nasty business of wealthy land-owners consolidating land to the detriment of smaller subsistence farmers—putting the lives of many at risk for the enjoyment of the few. So, yeah, the 10th commandment has NOTHING to do with my self-imposed writer’s strike. Except, I can’t shake the sensation that I’m hording. Inside my head is this wicked 10th century (BCE) landlord shouting in his most miserly voice, “Mine, mine, mine—no words for you! You can STARVE! Down with the petty masses, it’s all MINE!” Of course, he speaks Hebrew, so that’s just a loose interpretation.
Hording thoughts and hording ideas and hording words. This is where the analogy stops. But it is enough to put me in a pickle. I’m writing words and hording them while leaving this page blank. It would be one thing if I were making an attempt to put those words out there in a different venue, but I’m not. It’s not that I can’t write or won’t write. It’s that I’m hording what I am writing. For no other reason than I can.
Thou shalt not. So maybe, I’ll call an end to this writer’s strike and start blogging again.
What an interesting way to look at it. I’ve had those same feelings before and have never looked at it through such a compelling lens. I guess it makes even more sense if you consider (as I sometimes do, although by the “elementary reading level” quality of my own blog you’d never know it) that the words you share OR horde are often divinely bestowed. And any gift of God ought to be shared. Thanks for good Sunday food for thought!
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This is another aspect of it, isn’t it? The gifts of the Universe are meant to be shared. It’s certainly what is at the root of the admonition against hording.
It’s funny how quickly we move to categorizing our writing (or gifts) into a hierarchy that would weight some writing over others. If it’s not “up to our standards” it isn’t “worthy” and so, therefore, it’s not seen as a gift. And yet, if we strip away our ego and release this novel idea that some combination of words in an elegant manner is (de facto) better at conveying truth than the simple and direct word—we can easily see that the Universe speaks in all forms. Who cares if what we’re putting out there is “scholarly” or just words spoken from our hearts? Right? We know this to be true from experience: who hasn’t been taken by the wisdom of a child? And we know this from our tradition: we are specifically told (those of us who adhere to a Christian faith) that the body of Christ is ALL necessary and needed. Some will be preachers, some will be teachers… etc… but all are valued. It stands to reason that the Universe is quite capable of using our words when necessary—no matter the form. Which is probably why we are best to heed the wisdom that tells us to use our words to lift up, rather than destroy.
As for this notion of hording—the Gospel of Thomas suggested that the truth we carry in our souls needs to be set free—what we don’t let out will in fact tear us to pieces. In other words, we all carry some form of passion and burning truth waiting to be set into motion, into the world to do good–holding that truth for ourselves, as tempting as it might be, is a date with disaster. It really doesn’t matter if that destruction is physical or spiritual.~W
Is it really hording … or is it taking the time to enjoy something quietly, alone, just for yourself, just for a while? Is there a difference?
I put my words to the page(s) and sent out inquiry letters and got no response. My response to that was to put my pen away forever. But then I found myself blogging and even though I make absolutely no effort to make it readable (and have very few readers) I find that the act of writing, if not the words, soothes and heals me.
Horde them, keep them, devour them … words are not always meant to be read.
Or. You could start another blog. 🙂
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Well, it goes to intent, I think. So, no–the act of writing for one’s self isn’t ontologically hording. But, intent changes our perspective and in my case, since I’m navel gazing, it makes it germane to this notion of hording.
As for a second blog… no. I can’t maintain two. However, the notion of scrapping Evidently comes to mind. 😀 ~W
Goody! A new word to roll around in my mouth and savor: latifundialization!! Thank you much!
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It just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it. 😀 On one hand, I get it: we need specific vocabularies for specific specialties. But sometimes, it just feels like we make up words to sound smarter than we are. heh. ~W
Wow–what a word! I don’t think that holding onto your words is a bad thing. It sometimes takes me several days to process what I feel or want to say about what’s going on. Other times, usually when I’m angry about school stuff, I have to come home and pound out cleansing words into the computer. So, for me, it just depends. I do love your perspective on things, W. You always give me something to think about.
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Well, again, intent. 😀 And it is a word, eh? ~W
I’m just really impressed that the voice inside your head- the landlord- speaks Hebrew. Seriously. That’s awesome.
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Pereha! 😀 (i think that’s actually “wild ass” –since “smart” doesn’t appear but once in the OT, and it doesn’t meant “smart”.)
Isn’t hoarding like stashing? If so, I’m in big trouble here…Glad Sophie is popping back.
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YES! Which just begs for satire about crafters and latifundailization. But, yeah, that’s SO NOT HAPPENING. 😀 ~W
Okay, I’ll admit it, I was skimming. And when I got to the part about IZ whispering a dirty four-letter word in your ear I said to myself, “Woah! This is getting interesting!”
Imagine my disappointment.
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I would imagine your disappointment was profound. ~W
Oh shit. Wait. I wasn’t implying that the post wasn’t interesting. I was just revealing my prurient nature.
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Ha ha ha ha ha h aha. ~W
there’s a post!! one about NOT posting, nevertheless, but there it is. hehe.
<3
Hebrew landlords…EVERYONE is more cultered than me…even the voices in your head!!
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Oh, I excel at the Seinfeld post: a post about nothing. As for cultured, uh, yeah… see, this is the thing: academics like to spend time in their respected fields making up words and absorbing ridiculous amounts of arcane knowledge. But don’t ask them to balance their check-books, m’kay? And most of them, have NO fashion sense. At all. Ever. Sock with sandals. OY! ~W
Previously on… Evidently.com: Pretty pictures of Seattle
Today: Wende’s rather hilarious inner voice. Word horder!
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I’m glad you got the humor. I think it might be time to start Podcasting. I suspect if people could HEAR me, they wouldn’t take me so seriously. Heh. 😀 And for the record… “Word Horder”, omg, PERFECT. I think I’ll be changing my blog name soon. 😀 ~W
I have been feeling a bit this way myself…I want to say all sorts of things, and then I stop myself. I don’t even write it out, I just publish in my head. I have also noticed that I am running about thinking, “I should have said…” a lot. I should be funnier, or develop a style or do a certain thing. It’s all kind of paralyzing me. I am wondering if anyone else has even noticed? Am I writing differently? Is there some sort of defining line that was drawn and now I’m having a hard time getting back in the water…I’m just running back and forth on the shore dipping my toes in every once in a while instead.
I am wondering if I will be reminded of what a hard time I was having when I look back on all of my posts someday…or am I the only one that knows these things even go on? Will I even remember feeling this way?
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Well, sweetie… my advice, not that you’re asking, is to tell you : SABBATICAL. Seriously. When I start feeling that way, stepping away does WONDERS. So far, I’ve always come back. But refreshed, with a new perspective, and usually with a “kiss my patookie” attitude. 😀 ~W