Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill. ~Buddha
I heard this tentative knock on our front door. Before I opened it, I could hear the unmistakable shuffling of feet and muffled sounds of laughter. Boys. There are boys at my door. Their voices grew clearer as I opened the door. “I’d like a word with Boy Wonder,” said the youngest of the group.
Uh oh.
I stepped into the living room where I shamelessly eavesdropped on their conversation. What I heard took my breath away.
“I’m sorry I was such a poor sport yesterday and called you mean names.” With a peek around the corner I could see my son’s young friend looking a little sheepish, his feet pigeon toed and his face sporting a hesitant smile.
And right before my eager eyes, all was forgiven. In an instant, all was well. As a mother of a boy, I can’t help but marvel at the swiftness of these exchanges. Because, while I don’t have a girl, I can clearly remember my childhood and the drama that seemed to swirl around the “fairer” sex. Watching my son with his friends makes me question if indeed womanhood has been misnamed. But, perhaps I’m over-reaching here. Perhaps this swiftness has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with experience.
The thing that gets me about this exchange is not its brevity exactly, as much as what is missing altogether. No justifications are to be found. No modifiers included. Not one trace of obfuscation. That apology was perfectly devoid of any qualifiers. I’m impressed by what it wasn’t: an adult apology! In fact, it seems to be missing all the hallmarks of every apology I’ve ever heard ,or given for that matter, in adulthood.
What happens to us as we grow up that makes us loath to admit responsibility without qualification? Why is it so difficult, when it is clear to everyone involved, to admit we are wrong. Wrong without excuse. Wrong without exceptions. Wrong without explanation. JUST PLAIN WRONG.
And in being wrong, sorry. Terribly sorry for our behavior. So much so, we do not recognize ourselves in the mirror and cannot imagine how we must be viewed. Simply put, we were mean and we’re sorry.
Not, “I was mean, but my sister picked on me all day, I’m sorry.”
Not, “I was mean, but I didn’t really intend to be mean, so I’m sorry.”
Not, “I was mean, but I had a hard day at work/school/life, I’m sorry.”
Not, “Well, you did this to me, so I felt justified being mean, but I’m sorry.”
No. No, no, no, no, no!
It’s not that the “Why” doesn’t matter. Sure, there are reasons for our behavior. Not that we ever really want to admit to all of it. I mean, if the reason is, “I was a real shit!” then, yeah, it’s not so fun to look at that! But in truth, there will be plenty of time later for the reasons. Tacking them onto an apology dilutes the emphasis on our contrition.
If you’re listening to an apology riddled with explanations and qualifications, it can be difficult to hear that contrition. Oh, it’s there. It’s just buried beneath a pile of “yes, buts”. It seems a bit cheeky on the part of the penitent to require you to dig through their denial for your apology. “Here’s a shovel, you’re going to need it, because I’m sorry.” And beyond cheeky, it’s presumptuous to assume those we’ve wounded are interested in our “whys”. We hope they will want to hear our explanations; but tacking them onto an apology is rawest form of entitlement.
No, instead, I would suggest that when we find ourselves in the wrong we choose courage. Courage to admit we screwed up. Courage without qualification. Courage without excuses. And it does take courage to face those we’ve injured and not explain our actions away. It takes a great deal of personal fortitude to face the consequences that come with such an apology. It is possible there will be no easy fix, no fix at all. Qualifying our behavior does not abate the risk, it only lessens the blow for us. And in the process, we side-step being responsible. I’m not sure we can actually call it an apology if there’s a caveat.
We cannot go through life without injuring those we love. It’s just not possible. What marks us, what lays claim to our character, is what we do AFTER we realize we’ve been, well, a shit! We can only strive to be courageous. We can only hope to claim our inner eight-year old self with pigeon-toed feet and hesitant smiles and simply say, “I was mean, I’m sorry.”
Oh you’re right. I wonder what it is as we age? Do we think we have a “better” grasp of language? Or do we just not want to perceive ourselves as “bad”? Are we embarrassed that we have been caught doing something that may have hurt another person? I notice when I try to be poetic and wordy about something, I am just dancing around the point. Lately, I am taking a deep breath in the middle of a runonsentance stopping myself, and then finding the least amount of words I can to express myself. This is usually accompanied by letting out a long breath…it’s like I’m wondering or relieved, “is it really this easy to communicate what is going on with me?”
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Your “runonsentence” made me smile. It reminds me of a quote from The Phantom Tollbooth:
“I never knew words could be so confusing, ” Milo said to Tock as he bent down scratch the dog’s ear.
“Only when you use a lot to say a little,” answered Tock.
Milo thought this was quite the wisest thing he’d heard all day.
great post Wende.
Reminds me… keep it simple.
thanks!
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You’re welcome, Kat. 😀 ~W
WORD!
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I’m not sure what the “cool” response to that is, so I’ll just say, “Dude!” 😀 ~W
What a great post! Thanks! I wish I could have all my 10 year olds read it! 🙂
The power of an apology can be huge. But, sometimes it’s diluted by overuse. I have a student who misbehaves and then rushes out with “Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorry.” I have banned him from saying it. It doesn’t excuse behavior when it isn’t meant. As I was reading your post, I realized that he listened to me and he’s stopped saying that repetitive, meaningless phrase. I need to talk to him tomorrow about the power of a real apology and the intention to change your ways behind it. Maybe he’ll listen to that too. Fingers crossed!
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Fingers crossed! I know what you mean about the “sorrysorrysorry” kid. I used to work in a preschool and we had a 3 year old who had no compunction about hauling off and hitting some kid and then, “I sawee, I sawee”. Heh. She was a menace on the play ground. We too banned that word. But you know, at 10… it should be a different game. Honestly, I don’t think these lessons should have to fall to teachers. But sadly, it often does. From where I sit, there are a few “life lessons” that need to be absorbed EARLY—taking responsibility without justification is right there at the top! Blessings with your kiddo. I have faith you’ll get through to him. And you know, he’s going to be a happier adult because of you! ~W
What I like best is your son didn’t say “I’m sorry, too.” Too often I encounter that and it shouldn’t be said if there isn’t a reason. A “thank you” will suffice. Great post.
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Thank you! And you’re right. What is it about taking responsibility for another’s poor actions? It’s weird and I totally agree. 😀 ~W
This is so true. I am someone who can admit that I’m sorry, I screwed up. But I know so many people who CAN’T–my husband included!
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That can be a difficult dynamic. I think for some people, it is easier to demonstrate their contrition than to say it. You know? And that’s a whole different post. ~W
How precious!! I loooooooved this. Oh those boys 🙂 And may I say, this post was so weel written I am speechless!!! And you are perfectly correct about saying i am sorry.
Also, I have to tell you… Ever since i started accepting that I am in fact wrong sometimes, and accepting with my heart, that I am truly sorry, things seem easier. Everything is less uptight. I am calmer. I am not alwyas right, I don’t always have to have a reason. And sometimes, I am just plain sorry. And that is when the heaviness gets lifted…
Thank you for sharing such valuable sentiments!!! xoxo
(ps: I got a new computer. It is going to let us be friends allt he time now, it is MUCh faster :))))
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Oh Wooohoo! Vanessa is back. I’ve missed you. I’m so glad you have a new computer that can read me, it’s very odd to not have you chiming in from time to time. I do think there is real freedom in accepting when we are wrong and running with just that. 😀 ~W
I agree – apologies are easy to hand out when they are obscured by excuses. I think we need to think long and hard about issuing apologies. Sometimes an “I’m sorry” isn’t necessary or appropriate. A simple, “I didn’t mean to offend” with a genuine spirit is sufficient. But when one has truly been an ass – something that simple really doesn’t cut it, does it? How about, “I owe you an apology. I’m sorry.” It seems that says it all, doesn’t it? Keep it simple. To the point. If the forgiver wants an explanation – they can ask for it. But really, an explanation is about making the person apologizing feel better. It has nothing to do with genuinely seeking forgiveness. I blame the Canadians for this problem. They are known to say “sorry” for nearly everything. “It’s snowing outside, I’m sorry, eh?” This insidious disease is the direct result of more and more TV shows being made in Vancouver instead of good old Hollywood. Down with Canadian style apologies! None of this wishy washy self indulgent stuff. I’m proud to be an American. I will let my apology stand as it should be. Simple, to the point, and as clear as possible. After all, I’m backed by the worlds largest Nuclear arsenal. I shouldn’t be afraid to say I’m sorry… oh, did I hijack your blog? I really didn’t mean to – I mean I just got on this tangent and I couldn’t help myself, I’m sorry, Ok?…
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You are incorrigible! However, you should give lessons on satire. 😉 ~W
Love it.
We do seem to add more prefacing and explanation and defense as we age, eh? Great example of the power of a true apology, acceptance of that apology, and the continuation of life.
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Thanks, Katie. ~W
Wende, Wende, Wende, You’ve captured this concept beautifully. We should all learn to just say “I’m sorry.” So often I rehearse the speech that is supposed to go with the “I’m sorry”, which is in some way supposed to redeem me and allow me to keep my halo carefully balance on top my head.
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It is the halo thing, isn’t it? And thank you. These are words I’ve been trying to write for 3 months. It’s good to get them out and for them to be so well received. 😀 ~W
Excellent, excellent!
It seems that as a society we’ve been taught and allowed to believe that there is no culpability for our actions – and if we do something wrong, there’s obviously some extenuating factor that drove us to our wrongness. It’s wonderful to hear that YES, being personally responsible is finding root in our world again.
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Oh, thank you. And welcome to the blog. I do hope you drop by again. 😀 ~W