First, I want to thank all of you who sent email or called. Your support means a lot to me. What I appreciate about each of you, is that to the one you didn’t sugar coat my stupidity—but loved me just the same.
We’ve all had those moments where we’ve metaphorically found ourselves strolling down the aisle of Safeway with the back of our skirt tucked up into our waistbands. In a hurried attempt to salvage our pride, we glance around to see just how exposed we are. Tugging down our skirt, rearranging ourselves in an attempt to restore our composure, we discover that we were alone in the aisle. Whew. That was close. Oh, sure, there is a nagging thought about who might have seen us before we discovered our stupidity. I mean, how many times has our mother told us to always check the mirror before going out the door?
My mom’s best friend in her young adult hood found herself in an desperate need of a bathroom while driving on the freeway with her husband. Central California is full of tumble weeds and acres of alfalfa, but certain stretches of highway are devoid of facilities. Her husband pulled their car over and she promptly jumped out, put her head in a bush, and squatted to pee—fully exposed to oncoming traffic.
I know! Her husband was just as shocked, “Why didn’t you turn the other direction?” It’s here that I ruin the story. Because, this woman was witty and smart and on her toes and had a very clever comeback. I’m far too punchy today to remember it correctly (forgive me mom, I’m failing all over the place here!) but the implication was that she couldn’t see passing cars and they couldn’t see her. They weren’t likely to remember her backside either.
Me? I’m in the aisle next to you, the aisle that features a BOGO deal on humility and a 50cent coupon off on shame featured in the weekly flier. It’s packed over here—half the town is crammed in witnessing my demise. Their making an awful mess, munching on cheetos. . . because of course my fate would play out in the chip aisle. (Ok, that’s damn clever, and you’d better appreciate it! The lengths I go, people!) It’s a real temptation to pull the skirt over my head and pretend that they are not there.
But they are. And, in processing this most of the night (there’s a reason I’m punchy, sleep deprivation is an acquired taste.) that is probably what gets me most. I am completely cognizant that my blog is read by locals. Locals who lurk. Locals who may or may not have my best interests at heart. I’m paranoid enough to assign ill-intent. This is not news, we’ve established I’m unhinged. But my reasons for thinking so, are not entirely unfounded. I’ve just not bothered to catalog the splinters in the eyes of my neighbor—there’s a damn log in mine!
And then I go zen, breathing grace into the universe, hoping it will breath life back to me.
I cannot control these people. I can’t assume intentions either. Although, to quote a famous Dane, “It reeks in here, I suspect fish.” I can only try to protect myself. I have no doubt there is more processing I must do. IZ has spent hours extolling the logic—long time readers will know that I am heart centered, and logic only goes so far with a person working from that space. But beyond my grief I have words to say about Grace and our ability to see it. About Reconciliation and our ability to offer it. Words that would ordinarily be meant for open consumption. Words that would not be censored. Words that would be offered with good will, in hopes of changing just a small part of the world. Words hard earned and laboriously honed.
Words that are muffled by the skirt over my head. Bottom line, the presence of ill-intentioned people has me running scared, questioning my every move. Re-evaluating every glance, every conversation—seeking meaning in pointlessness.
I don’t know if I will write these words. I do know, that if I do, they will be password protected. I know, I’m sorry. It’s a PITA, but please bear with my wounded soul. When confronted with your transgressions, the wisest most honorable thing to do at the time is to bear that pain. But there is more, more that I am attempting to work out off line, but I know me. . . vestiges of it are going to leach into my work. It’s inevitable. And I want the freedom to say what I need to say, without looking over my shoulder worried some person with an agenda might seek to use it against me.
And long time readers know, that if I threatened to write on a particular subject that I probably won’t follow through. That being said, should I actually write a password protected piece, the password is freely offered to those of you who have commented and been a part of this community. If you are a lurker, don’t bother asking. I’m sorry, but there is a price to be paid for not being a contributing part of this world. You were sold out by another one of your own—and I have zero compassion.
Ask any blogger what they hate most about blogging—the ones with sophisticated stats packages will tell you “Lurkers.” I’ve long held that I’d prefer people to participate, I would! But I understand reading without being a part. I’ve not hidden who I am, boils and all! If anything, this has firmly established that I am human—and I try really hard to be honest about my own limitations. If only as a cautionary tale. People, don’t do as Wende does, m’kay? Lurkers are as much a part of the fabric of blogging as the next reader. It’s when they step into my personal life, even by my own fault, that I draw the line.
As for the rest of you… I adore you. Please know that I’ve read your emails and I appreciate your feedback. I will be getting to them, I will… but this is Friday and I am painfully, woefully behind in all that I must do. The photo above is the vintage fabric I found to make a banner for a surprise party planned tomorrow. Uh. yeah. So not happening. Sadly, the Strawberry cake he requested, his mother will be purchasing at Safeway this year… there is no time to bake it, and considering how punchy I am, it’s probably a good idea for me to stay away from things that could blow up! My most urgent prayer request is that Safeway actually has enough of the cake he wants. Because otherwise, I’m screwed. Joy, joy… guess who didn’t have Strawberry Cake? I can sleep when I’m dead, right?
And don’t worry about my skirt, mom. I’m wearing pants.
My goodness. I am busy for a week or so, and you write TONS! I’m not sure what happened in “the post”, but I hope you’re feeling better now.
Happy Birthday to your 11 year old Boy Wonder. I’m a December baby also, and I have always loved it. I think that’s why I love winter, too. 🙂
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Oh! Happy Birthday. In all my years living in Seattle, the weather never bothered me… but the older I get, the more I need the sunlight. I don’t mind the winters here… but the lack of sun in the summer has me going mad! Ok, no need to point out I was kinda nutty to begin with. 😀 ~W
Hang in there sweetie.
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I’m trying. And btw: those cherubs on your site are just too darling. I’ll take one of each! 😀 ~W
I’m a lurker. I admit it. I visit and read many blogs, gleaning information and valuable tidbits – never to leave a comment. Of course that’s usually because those places require user registration to leave a comment – not nearly as friendly as your site. I also don’t leave comments when I would be the 452nd commenter on a subject – or where it is clear that the writer doesn’t respond to the commenter. In my world view – if I take the time to read your blog and comment, you owe me some sort of little tidbit back. This is why I so enjoy Evidently. It is so personal. It is also why I understand why you felt so exposed – again because it is personal for you too…
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I should have been more specific about lurking—because everybody does it. You know, there are lots of sites I read that I don’t always leave a comment. It’s just very, very weird to have locals (who seem to be unaware that I can see them and track them on my site!) check my site daily, sometimes several times a day, and yet, never a word. Even that, I live with. It’s part of being public. But, if you aren’t going to enter into this world and participate, I don’t think you have a right to then take what I’ve written and use it against me in an anonymous way in the real world. I mean, you can… but it’s POOR FORM and slimy! I’m out here, with my name and my face, not hiding behind any anonymity. And I’m not spreading lies, or gossiping, I own my words. And I’ll atone when I step over the line. I’m human, I make mistakes. But, damn, it’s COLD, COLD, COLD to resort to 8th grade behavior and “tattle.” My God, I hope it was a kid, because otherwise it was just shameful. Ok… no more ranting. 😀 ~W
Your honesty is so refreshing. It is endearing. I have to believe that everyone has been in your (skirt) shoes at one time or another. Those things you wish with everything in your being you could take back. But, you can’t and you may NEVER have an opportunity to make it right. This is what I live with daily. So, if it brings any solace at all – you are not alone, my dear. You leave the chips aisle, straighten your skirt, dust yourself off and hold your head high – you are loved by God Almighty.
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Oh, your comment makes me laugh and cry all at once. I’m so sorry for your pain: in terms of that, I’m completely over-reacting. I do so appreciate your willingness to share—not because misery loves company, but because I’ve felt ever-so-vulnerable these past few days and having someone go there with me means a TON! Thank you!
AND then, I had to laugh… because, uh, not everybody finds my honesty refreshing. In fact, that’s kinda what got me in trouble. I saw this card, (and PLEASE don’t drop me as a blog you read if this offends you, just email me and I’ll edit my comment… or ream me out on this page! I can take it!) and it said, “Jesus loves you, but I hear he’s not too picky.” I swear, I laugh just thinking about it… but there is some truth… thank goodness God isn’t picky about girls who sometimes go through life with their skirts tucked up. Blessings!! ~W
I’m glad I called, and got a chance to listen to you talk about this and to speak about my issues. (I hope I didn’t dominate the conversation) Remember, dear, only take on the guilt that is yours. Other people have their issues, flaws and human weaknesses. Hurting someone is a fact of human existence, sad as it is. In your case, it was innocent and inadvertent. You apologized, and did everything you possibly could to atone. Thus, any further issues are on THEIR side. You made a mistake–haven’t we all?
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No, see, I got off the phone thinking I’d done all the talking… and giving you too much advice, and not just being present enough. I’m working on that, I am!! I also got off the phone and said, “Margaret says my problem is that I don’t like to make mistakes.” IZ just grinned. You’re so right!! I hate it. I really hate doing it in such a public way. I mean, if I’m going to sin, I’m going to sin BOLDLY!! And I’m taking all you said to heart. It’s your words that got me writing again this morning. I promised I would, and I did. And next time, it will be easier. I’ve said it before, but it never hurts to say it again, I love you!! And I’m holding you in so much prayer and good thoughts for Sunday, you can’t imagine it! 😀 ~W
I really smiled at the image of the skirt over your head. As a teacher, I have to tell you that it’s a very vivid image of embarrassment. But, I’m not surprised — you are a gifted writer.
I hope you can start to forgive yourself because it’s time for that.
As for lurkers, as IZ said, I lurk on a few sites — and there are times when I lurk even on the sites that I feel I have built friendships with — lack of time and energy often leave me lurking. But, it does feel safer put yourself out there in an active community rather than a group of lurkers.
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Oh, I owe you email! I promise, after this party tomorrow. But, I have to say, considering that you and I did have a disagreement over that post, it means a lot to me that we can talk about it like civil adults. I appreciate so much how you handled that. I would have preferred email… because, uh, I’m not a fan of having my weaknesses pointed out in public… but at least you came to me and we could chat. And we did… and it was weird and awkward after that for a little bit, but then we got over it. And you know, I’m darn proud of us that we could do that! We ROCK. So, thank you for your words, and your willingness to challenge my thinking and still be part of my life even when you disagree with me. ~W
I think it would be perfectly acceptable for you to sit in the aisle with your skirt pulled up over your head… as long as you have granny bloomers on underneath.
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Uh, yeah, I think we’ve already established that I don’t wear a thong. 😀 ~W
I can only imagine how you must feel. Your friends are right on with their advice and well-wishes. How lucky you are!
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Thank you, Pam. I hope you’re feeling better soon. It just stinks to be sick at the holidays. Blessings! ~W
I’m going back to lurking. It’s just too much pressure!
😕
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Uh, hello! 😀 ~W
Oh sheesh…I read the post yesterday and just melted. There have been some interesting going on’s over in my world because of a post…and then because of something else…and I was over here wilting, and didn’t even think of emailing…I was like, “oh, comments closed..ok” Good grief…the holidays must really be getting to me. I want to commend you once again, on a beautiful post…both this and the last. I wish I could write (can you believe that I was going to say, I wish I could write what I want on my blog? uh-oh)
I hope G’s party turned out amazing…strawberry cake and all! I just spent all day baking with the niece…if I see another cookie, piece of fudge or lemon bar again…it will be too soon. I’m gonna’ go crawl in a stocking and take a snooze…
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Oh, Sadira, no worries. I’m sorry that life has handed you turmoil—especially at this time. If there is anything I can, please let me know! But, I know you’re there with me in spirit! Blessings on the journey, darlin’. Good things are coming in 2008—I can just feel it! ~W
I’ve been lurking around this blog since I found your post detailing sewing machine heritage, all of the messy information that involves, and IZ’s process of choosing one (which helped immensely in choosing my own machine, which I happily use very often since I’ve gotten it. I went with a Viking Platinum 770 and it’s perfect).
I enjoyed that post enough to go back and read nearly every entry until I was caught up, and since then have been reading everything new (and even made a stop over to your Etsy page to admire those cute white birds that come with your lovely fabrics).
It’s not just that I enjoy reading what you’ve written. Your posts often make me think about things going on in my life and sometimes even cause me to evaluate issues that I usually try to ignore; Things that I often take for granted or choose not to deal with because I don’t have the time/patience/etc.
I’m disappointed to be losing access to some of that, but I can understand protecting personal posts – as much as we’d like to think that no one will ever use the information we make available for hurtful purposes, sometimes they do.
People like that are big meanies and make a mess of things for everyone, involved or not.. they really need to cut it out.
As a side note: being a person of non-faith, it’s refreshing to be able to appreciate your presence of faith without being overwhelmed by it. Sometimes you cause me to reconsider my position on the whole thing, even if just for a moment or two. 😉
I’ve only commented once before this, from the lurker mentality of “I have nothing to really add to this, so I’ll keep quiet until there’s something I feel I need to say.”
I’ve said what I needed to say and I’ll go back to lurking until I feel the need again. 🙂
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Rachel, thank you. For the comment and for the consistent readership. I’m so sad that such an event is what caused you to comment—but I’m so glad that you did! Your words mean so much (I’m kinda speechless over them!)—and no worries, if I ever do password protect a post, I’ll make sure you get the combo. Blessings!! ~W
I’m no lurker, but I play one on TV.
Please don’t be afraid of what you don’t see and certainly don’t let it hobble you. Lurkers aren’t usually bad or mean spirited, they probably just don’t have anything to add or contribute.
You have a gift and you share it openly and willingly and seemingly without reservation. Please continue as before.
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I’m trying. I do need to protect my family some. Which will either mean I password protect or seriously censor. As you can imagine, neither appeals to me, but the latter seems impossible. And while MOST of them are harmless, it only took one to leave my very sick family without healthcare. ~W
As a local, (oh, can I call myself that yet?) and, unintentional lurker myself, I think you and your blog are wonderful.
I peek in occasionally, but try to make a comment when I can – (business can get me scatterbrained & I never get to finish reading what I started)… I’ve been desperately trying to type this for three hours now, for heaven sake!
But I have to say, your blog is so refreshing & eloquently put. It is apparent that you write it with love. I enjoy your words very much & I do hope that you continue.
I hope your family gets better soon! Happy New Year – Renee
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Thanks, Renee… it’s been a stressful holiday with all the illness. The boy is still feeling under… sadly. Thank you for your kind words… I do appreciate it. And I would call you a local, but I wouldn’t call you a lurker. 😀 ~W
i’ve been away since right after “the post” happened. i’m glad to be back, though! and this is on page 2!! hopefully by tomorrow i’ll be all caught up here and things will be right in my world once again 😛
i like that fabric…i’m not sure if it’s something i would have picked up myself, but it’s cute seeing it here like that!
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Happy reading. And welcome back. 😀 ~W
Wow. I’ve come to this all quite late, but I wanted you to know that I’m sorry you were so misunderstood here. I always appreciate the sharp sense of humor through which you view your life’s trials, and I’m saddened that someone mistook that for something other than what it was. I blog about pretty benign subjects but often feel the pull of “I wonder who might be reading this” tugging at me to reign things in when I might step a bit out of line. Your honesty and wit is refreshing, dear Wende. Don’t change a thing.
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Oh, no worries. Thank you for the support. It was a shock, but I’m past it and moving on! 😀 ~W