From the Vault
Ok… sometimes it’s fun to reprint stuff. Well, I think it is. This is from August 2001. Have fun.
Note to Self:
Well, it’s been a long month of August and I can’t say that I have done too much over the course of the month. In fact, I have been so busy working on my future case of skin cancer that there has been little time left for more academic pursuits like the writing of this column. And besides, this little piece of nonsense isn’t going to get me into Grad School, so why not work on the tan? Anyhow, now that September is creeping up at the rate of fungus growing on small children�s feet, I had better get cracking. Which brings me to my topic.
Although I have accomplished little this month, it wasn’t for want of reminders. I spent the month saying Note to self: work on your web sit, or Note to self: register small child for school, and Note to self: buy those really cool boots you saw on Sale at Nordstrom before they are off sale again. (And for the record� I DID work on the web site a bit, the kid is registered for school because his responsible parent took the morning off work to do it and the boots are no longer on sale!) Anyhow, for this little file I thought you might be interested in some of the Notes to Self that scrawled across the tiny expanse of my brain this month of August. (While I worked on the tan of course!)
Note to Self:
- Don’t let anyone who has suffered a recent death in the family cut your hair.
- Don’t walk barefoot into the bedroom of a 4-year-old who owns 2000 legos.
- Coffee can be a nutritional, supplemental drink if you LIKE the strung out on caffeine look.
- Mom is a four-lettered word!
- One cannot browse in Toys-R-Us! (Unless one is alone or one forgets to bring one’s wallet!)
- According to 4-year-olds, we can make new money! Daddy just needs to buy some gold foil.
- Have IZ buy some gold foil.
- Spandex and PMS — bad combination.
- MSN SUCKS.
- If it looks great on the model in the catalogue then it will look like you were trying too hard to look like the model in the catalogue.
- If it looks so-so on the model in the catalogue, it will still look like you were trying too hard on you.
- If it looks awful on the model in the catalogue you will buy it anyway and it will still look awful on you.
- Conclusion: you are not the model in the catalogue.
- The model in the catalogue is on the Coffee as a Nutritional Supplement diet.
- Small children can be reasoned with– unless they are your small children
- Remember to hide the chocolate in a heat resistant location.
- Toe rings are cool. (finally, I scored one with the 4-year-old fashion police)
- Although the 4-year-old thinks blue nail polish is a fashion statement he wants to make; the 4-year-old’s father is not so impressed.
- We have to eat real food before we eat junk food. And that includes the coffee as a nutritional supplement.
- Find out why girls need earrings�.
- If MSN built it–it will crash.
- The family pet is really just another small child in a tiny fur coat. Look into adoption.
- Start saving for the 4-year-old’s therapy bill.
- Small boys are supposed to smell that way.
- Stop calling the 4-year-old small and little. Evidently, he will be 5 soon.
- Five is the legal age to start bad mouthing your mother and doing what you want!
- Find out how to be Five again.
- Order the Buzz Lightyear Costume before they sell out or he wants to be Captain Hook.
- Teach the 4-year-old how to make coffee and do laundry.
- While you are at it, teach him some table manners.
- Yes, God loves us just as we are but you still have to clean your room.
- Throw that piece of junk you call a computer out the window. Aim for the cat.
- When the next telemarketer calls put the 4-year-old on the phone.
- Why didn�t I think of that earlier?
- Will it work with bill collectors too???
- Buy some more coffee.
Well, that about wraps up the month of August. And despite my best efforts, I am still not tan. Oh, which reminds me. Note to self: buy some sunless tanning creme!
Wende.
